How about "Gateway to Minneapolis"?

Having realized that the elephants are indeed coming to town, with media circus in tow, and that the eyes of the nation will, like it or not, be on their fair city in less than two years, Saint Paul's civic leaders have announced that they're beefing up the ol' tourism effort. That is, they're gonna work on their brand, make the town more exciting; they've even hired a hot-shot consulting firm to help them with their makeover.

Key quote from the Strib's article: "Don't be surprised if the motto announced in May sounds something like 'St. Paul, a Twin like no other.' "

Pardon? It says about as much about the city as Washington state's new tourism slogan says about that fine locale: "Say WA." Hell, at least that one's snappy and easy to remember. I can even see how it'd sound mildly appealing, or at least captivatingly quirky, at least after a few drinks.

"A Twin like no other," though? Well actually, see, the thing about twins is that there are two of 'em, and, well, one really is very much like the other, no matter how much each town's partisans may argue to the contrary.

***

I would love to be in the brainstorming sessions when they try to think of ways to market Saint Paul.

"How 'bout 'River of Dreams'?"

"Yeah, we could use that Billy Joel song!"

"But Minneapolis has the river, too."

"Right. OK, what does Saint Paul have that makes it unique?"

" 'Capital City'!"

"A capital idea! Haha!"

"... But then again, there are other a bunch of state capitals."

"Oh. Crap. Yeah, like, a lot of them. Like a couple dozen."

"Waitwaitwait! I've got it! We combine the words River and Capital: Rivital! Riviting, Ravishing, Rivital!"

"Hmmm ... Could work. Or ... cap ... -iver ... cap ... 'Caper'! Yeah! 'See what the Caper's all about!' "Come investigate our Caper!"

"I like it. But there's still something missing. Something ... personal. Unique."

"OK, OK, listen to this one. Here's what I'm thinking. I'm thinking Snoopy. I'm thinking Charles Schulz. I'm thinking 'Peanuts': We still have all those damn statues all over Rice Park, don't we? And I'm thinking about the Republicans. That's gonna be our chance to shine. So here it is. Ready for it? OK: 'Come for the elephants. Stay for the Peanuts.' Get it?"

"Dagnavit, that's good!"

"Bravo!"

"Anyone have any final comments, then?"

"Well, if I may: Shouldn't we go for a broader audience than the families? We need something for everyone. And I think we have that in F. Scott Fitzgerald, our other famous native son."

"That's it! Done! We're in agreement then: 'Come for the elephants. Stay for the Peanuts. . . . And the booze."

"Brilliant!"

"Can't wait to see that on a travel mug!"

Banished to the island?

From www.buzz.mn (the Star Tribune's blog; not to be confused with www.vita.mn, the Strib's ersatz alternative weekly):

At Wednesday's City Council meeting, Erin Dady, marketing director in St. Paul, said the city is scheduled to sign a city-services contract Jan. 18 in Washington, D.C., which will finalize terms for hosting the Republican National Convention Sept. 1 to Sept. 4, 2008. She also mentioned that Harriet Island is "on hold" during the convention, but she wouldn't say whether protesters will be sent there.

Crafty! Make 'em stay on an island in the middle of the Mississippi, where you'd basically need to make your protest signs the size of billboards to be legible from the Xcel Energy Center. The X is way up on the bluffs above the river, though, so perhaps the idea is to force the protestors to recall the concept of the city on a hill as they strain their necks and yell across the expanses of water and parking lots.

City on a hill, beacon of hope, shining example for the world.

Then again, there are some benefits for the protestors: with the nice band stand, the killer views, and the fraught-with-meaning backdrop of Old Man River, the island would really be a kick-ass setting for a music video or blurry documentary filled with jump-cuts and massive puppets. And it's so close to Saint Paul's West Side, the better to have a quick side-trip in the middle of the documentary to bond with the Real People who live there and, y'know, work in the obligatory "si se puede!" chants. Peeerfect setting. Everyone's happy.