Coleman's crystal ball

Just found an old copy of the Strib from June 7 of this year, just when the Twin Cities started to enter the fray as contenders for the ’08 political conventions.

Ah, those were the days. I remember June like it was just a few months ago. Heady times, those, full of aw-shucks realizations that the bigwigs on the coasts had noticed us. Gee whiz, guys, do you really think we might be good enough for one of your convention-meetings? That’s awful kind of you to think of us. What do we have to offer? Oh, some restaurants and the like. Lakes. Um. . . . We got some Peanuts statues in Rice Park, over by the “X.” We’re real proud of those.

Sniff. We were so young and innocent then, eager to just get our foot in the door of national politics. Remember Walter Mondale? He was from here! And Hubert Humphrey? The Metrodome’s named after him. Er, well, no one calls it the Hubert H. Humphrey Metrodome. But that’s its name. He was from these parts, too!

But even the runty kid at the kickball game gets picked eventually.

Strib columnist Nick Coleman, writing on that June day:

Bring a national political convention to the Twin Cities? Have we lost our minds? Why wait until 2008? Let’s arrest thousands of people right now, hold them in barbed-wire cages, pay millions in overtime to cops and public employees, close off downtown, disrupt transportation, strew garbage around the streets and say: “Mission accomplished.”

. . . And then it happened. And that massive cracking sound you heard last Thursday? That was the sound of mass whiplash as the Twin Cities did a collective, unison double-take upon reading the headline and realizing that the Republicans decided to call our bluff and host the convention here. As for that weird sound you heard a moment after the cracking, that was a collective, hushed, bewildered exclamation: “Oh . . . crap!”

And what thinks Lileks?

As expected, every Minnesotan's favorite eccentric right-wing nut, James Lileks, has a few thoughts about having his crew come in to town for a big shebang.

Aaah, James Lileks. So amusing, sometimes. So damn quirky the Strib went out and gave him his own column called the Daily Quirk. (Which replaced a thrice-weekly gig called "Back Fence," which was a total ripoff of the PiPress's Bulletin Board page, but never mind that.) And yet, on matters of politics and current events, so ... What's that word? Shrill? Arrogant? Neo-Con-Wacko?? I dunno. Some combination of all of the above.

Anyway. Sez Mr. Lileks:
I can only imagine what confused New Yorkers will do when they find themselves in downtown St. Paul after hours, looking for hotcakes to soak up the liquor. Mickey’s will have a line out the door for six blocks. ... The real party work will take place in Minneapolis.

Oh yah you betcha, quirkster. You're damn right there won't be anything happening in St. Paul. I hope some of the convention-goers take the number 16 bus to get to and from the downtowns. That's free entertainment right there, although it just might get public transit funding cut entirely, depending on the nature of the entertainment that particular day.

As for Mickey's: Are you kidding me? Republicans don't go to diners. Republicans go to Johnny Rockets if they want a "diner," not a place where the guy sitting next to you is going to try to bum a cigarette and a quarter and a bus pass from you, where you can see the cook cough into your late-night omlette (and you rejoice because that means it'll actually have some flavor this time) and you can't even get a good martini. Any martini. Or a Coors.

Republicans. Do. Not. Go. To. Diners. Trust me, I'm a diner expert.

Wait ... there are TWO of them?

This just in: across the river from Minneapolis, there's this wee village that its residents call "Paul the Sainted One," or something like that. Having not yet been annexed by Minneapolis, at least not in the official sense, Saint Paul does not appreciate it when people from outside of Flyover Country mistake it for its larger and hipper conjoined Twin. For example, they get unhappy when the Republican National Committee, the people who visited the damn place and chose it for their convention, can't remember its name.

So sayeth the Strib.

Hold on, let me get this straight -- there're, like, TWO cities in the Twin Cities? How does that work?

Discussion question of the day: How many GOPers will be wandering around downtown Minneapolis come summer 2008, trying to remember if the convention is at the Target Center or the Metrodome or the Convention Center?

Heads up, Minneapolitans: In spite of their red polos, khaki pants, and laminated name badges, those glassy-eyed individuals wandering en masse up and down Nicollet Mall are not Target employees. They cannot point you to the toothpaste section. They are lost Republicans, unaware of certain geographical facts but, frankly, more than a bit frightened by this big city and all the scary Democrats. When you see these out-of-their-element creatures, please be kind to them and direct them to Manny's or the Capital Grill. They like steakhouses, and the staff at these establishments are trained to deal with Republicans. Or the Applebee's in Block E -- that'll do, too. Just remember: frightening though they may be, they're more afraid of you than you are of them.

***

Also in that Star Tribune article:

In 1997, St. Paul officials were planning to revamp the old Civic Center to woo a National Hockey League team. As NHL officials toured the old drum-like building, the smell of elephant dung from the Shrine Circus recently held there fouled the air.

NHL officials gave an ultimatum: Build a new arena if you want a franchise. Now Republican elephants will march into a state-of-the-art complex considered one of the best in the country.

"This building got started because of the elephants, and now the elephants are coming back," said Jac Sperling, the vice chairman of the Minnesota Wild.

Right. So, as I was saying ...

The Big Tent or Just a Side Show?

Hey, kids, the circus is coming to town!

See the amazing Jugglers as they toss fire, sling mud & hurl brickbats! Watch the Astonishing Acrobats perform feats of dazzling dexterity as the fly through the air from one position to the next! Be astounded by wondrous feats of magic from the Far East of these United States, which feats include such marvels as the Spontaneous Appearance, In the Very Front Row of the Audience, Before the Eyes of a Nation, of the One Black Person In the Crowd. Delight at the sight of an endless stream of cavorting clowns as they exit their Automobile of Hummer Brand, in an awesome & amazing spectacle of illusion & good humor that is Not To Be Missed. Laugh at the Ribald & Droll remarks of the Ringleader, an individual of immense verbal dexterity & infinite Wisdom in the ways of the World & Future of Man-kind.

-AND-

Witness the World Premiere of the Magnificent & Enthralling act titled "Elephants On The Tundra," in which many thousands of these powerful & horrific Beasts will, for the benefit of an enraptured & perhaps nearly-Raptured public, act out a ritual ceremony in a most harrowing & inhospitable clime ill-suited for their temperament & Ways.