Elephants Gone Wild

This week's NY Times Magazine cover story (and currently among the top 10 most e-mailed stories on nytimes.com):

"An Elephant Crackup?"

Well, sure. I mean, there's the Foley thing and the Iraq thing and the Woodward book and all those other books and the lingering stench of the Abramoff thing. Is it any wonder they're cracking up? Now the flight to the Twin Cities makes sense: a little bit of retail therapy at the Mall of America, a leisurely stroll around a lake or two, a stop in at Hazelden and/or Mayo. . . .

Oh. Wait. You mean real elephants are going crazy? Never mind.

Should I stay or should I go?

Two new pieces in the Strib offer some early answers to the pressing question: What should you do when the convention comes?

The Logical Plan: Get out of town or, better yet, the whole country. Run for the hills until the coast is clear.

The Revolution Will Be Televised, And I'll Be On The Ten O'Clock News Plan: Stick around and protest. (Note that I have already called the Herb Brooks statue, so please chain yourself elsewhere. Thank you.)

The Capitalism Is Good Plan: Exploit the fat cats' big wallets by selling them stuff. They like flags, for example, so take your consumer good of choice, slap a flag on it, and sell it at a 900 percent markup. And if anyone tries to bust you for selling stuff on the street corner, loudly protest that the government shouldn't interfere with free enterprise -- that'll get the Elephants on your side. Maybe.

The See No Evil (Etc.) Plan (Or The I Can't See You! Plan): Just go about your daily life and ignore them, in hopes that they'll go away.

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The Strib's Nick Coleman, not surprisingly, opts for the first

I'm guessing that First Muslim Congressman Keith Ellison, who will be running for reelection, won't get within miles of the place.

He should get out of town. Most of us should.

Meanwhile, some business owners are, indeed, already gearing up for the influx of new customers with certain obsession with Old Glory-festooned objects.

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Of course, one could combine protesting and profiteering by, say, offering a bus tour of the Twin Cities and a) telling all your friends to show up at points along the route with signs, bullhorns, etc.; or b) "breaking down" in a sketchy neighborhood or remote burgh. . . .

Not that I'm suggesting anyone do anything so subversive and/or cruel and/or humorous. Convention Apprehension is not liable for any lawsuits, criminal charges or beat-downs by Bill O'Reilly fans wearing flag lapel pins, particularly beat-downs resulting from any comments made on this blog, for none of said comments should be taken seriously.

But. . . .

Man the gates, ready the catapults!

Security planning has begun.

Ponder these numbers:

Estimated number of people who will attend the convention in one capacity or another: 30,000

Preliminary estimate of police/security officers to be deployed for the convention: 10,000

Presumably, the estimate for attendees does not include protestors, and you can bet that here will be thousands, both locals and out-of-towners.

Still, that’s a pretty high ratio of officers to convention-goers. Why, the Science Museum of Minnesota, mere steps from the Xcel Energy Center, only requires a 1:10 student-to-chaperone ratio, even though we all know the inherent dangers of science education – without proper supervision, the kiddies could learn how to make a meth lab or, worse, be exposed to the poison of Darwinism.

Strib: Between them, Minneapolis and St. Paul have about 1,400 officers. But those same officers still have to provide regular police services to their cities.

Another issue: The convention will overlap with the closing days of the State Fair, which also uses police officers to handle daily crowds of 150,000 to 200,000 or more.

Uh-oh.

Note to Republicans: You have taken away our civil liberties. You have taken away international political stability. You have taken away our dignity in the eyes of much of the world. You have taken away so much already. But please, please, please . . . DON’T TAKE AWAY OUR MINI DOUGHNUTS AND CHEESE CURDS!

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. . . All of which makes me think: Start planning your (nonviolent!) protests and/or flight out of town now! I call dibs on chaining myself to the Herb Brooks statue . . . or maybe on seat 3A on flight 362 to Anywhere But Here.